Spleen

"He himself, he realized, had always been most abominably frightened, even at the height of his divine power, a frail god upon a rickety throne, afraid of opening letters, of making decisions, afraid of the instinctive knowledge in the eyes of mules, of the innocent eyes of good men, of the elastic nature of the passions, even of the devotion he had received from some men, and one woman, and dogs."

-Patrick White, Voss

I find myself intrigued with the utter complexity afforded to this man named Voss; A man created in the mind of Patrick White and "compeled" into the Outback of Australia on his neverending quest for knowledge. Though I cannot liken myself to Voss in the sense that he considers himself to be a God, as is evident in lines such as, "The map? I will first make it." (surely I do not consider myself as knowledgable, nor do I find myself to have an omnipotent command over my surroundings), I do find myself on a constant quest of the mind. Overwhelmed with the vast expanse of the world before me, I am sporadically bewildered by the complexity of the "elastic nature of passions", and the devotions of others, whether they be attached to me over whatever else. Haunted and frequently at war with myself, I venture into the unknown, much like Voss, in search of answers to those greater questions which probe at the core of one's conscience, in opposition of my stifling fears and idiosyncracies, never forgetting myself.

Voss chose to venture into the Australian outback on foot, braving the intense heat, pummling rain and perhaps most frightening of all: the unknown. Present throughout the novel is a tortured tension between Voss and himself and between Voss and his lost love Laura. The distance between the two was one of the most striking aspects of the novel. Both Laura and Voss desperately hold on to their bond throughout Voss's journey through the outback, albeit this bond was vaguely established to begin with. I believe the phrase "love at first sight" applies, as prior to his adventure into the vast wilderness, they had only conversed two or three times. Despite the rather unconventional establishment of their mutual admiration, their connection remains strong throughout their separation. The nexus formed between the two is something that could only be described as beautiful; A love that can survive without words or touch, both primal and unconsciously serene.

I am not in love, but I do have a stong connection with my world back home, in America. Friends that I consider to be my "best" are those whom I speak with the least. Perhaphs, in our experiences together, though not nearly as short lived as Voss' and Laura's, will permeate thoughout my life, whether we keep in touch while I'm oversees or loose touch altogether. I am, in much less of an epic sense, on a journey of self discovery and expansive emotional realization. I've had my hardships since I've been here, taking refuge in books and music, much like Voss did in the caves during the days of downpour. He lost men and animals. His spirit was often all but crushed. One thing remained, however, his love for Laura, just as my connection with those I hold most dear will always exist, aiding me in the continuance of my seemingly neverending quest.

Tomorrow we leave for Brussels. I am quite excited at the prospect of uninhibited travel throughout Europe, hindered only by monetary restraints. In a weeks time, I will visit what I consider to be the unknown. Verdun, Luxembourg, Brussels and Amsterdam: Four countries in which I have never traveled in just one week! This is an undertaking which should supercede all of my previous journeys leaving me with a renewed sense of self and a greater understanding of this great Vossian expanse that we call Earth. For this I am grateful.